sonic_catharsis

this summer has been the summer of understanding the scale of love and relationships, zooming in and out within relative context to the world as a whole. when you are out counting stars at night, each new star you find shines bright. you point at it with wide-eyed excitement LOOK theres one! but with each new star you find, the ones you find become part of the background. stale, boring, old... redundant. It's a battle for retaining our short attention span (which many people note is an accelerating product of our tech-driven society) Perhaps this too has soaked into the relationship world. 

meeting new people is so exciting and invigorating. everything feels fresh and possible, spontaneous and the path of new discovery. new stories to tell, new verbal paintings to paint, new reflections. New discovery is such a life-affirming feeling, especially when compared to the old "known" ones. where everyone knows everything left to know about you, there are no surprises and your expectations are normalized and then it becomes stale. as a friend once told me, "with new people you can be who you want because they dont know everything about you; particularly random strangers, who do not judge or have predisposed expectations. those who know you for a long time frame you with what they already know of you, their perception of you based on your previous conversations and actions. they hold that judgement, that baggage, against you. with new people and strangers that doesnt exist, you are free and can be who you want to be". (paraphrased and not directly quoted)

so people become addicted to that, surfing the waves of newness and excitement. Hell i think everyone does, it feels so great to meet someone new who inspires you or who you are attracted to at some level. but what about those who are more loyal, and have been there for while. their names are no longer associated with excitement. While the veins of those relationships run much deeper, the excitement and attention is no longer held. Active care becomes passive care. The texts received are no longer adrenaline stimulating but become normal, an assumed constant.

so then they are reduced to redundancy, become part of the background. it's a sad tale, but as someone who makes his whole thing about "always being there for people because he cares" it usually puts me in everyones closet. i am contacted excitedly when they need me or wish something from me, but other than that they are elusive, busy with their normal lives. its just a cold feeling. of not being wanted, of not being that "special" someone, but just there. dont mind him thats just ro, hes always around. And then i get told about all the exciting new people they have met and how happy they are to meet them and how they miss them, or look forward to talking to them.

and i guess im probably to blame for putting myself in these situations and playing that part. for putting others before me too much and for falling into these traps. And perhaps im just a grumpy sour person because i see all these people getting excited, but no one is really getting excited over me. sure maybe thats a bit un-altruistic of me, but there are moments when i wish there was someone out there excited to hear from me, or still in that fun phase.

but how do we tackle this process?
how do you keep an old deep relationship exciting and still on top of the menu? how do you not get bored and seek elsewhere.

when i see people, girls especially, with wondering eyes (not that guys dont have them too but ive just noticed it with girls) first jealousy boils in me, and then then inadequacy sets in. Thats why i would have to feel that i am exclusive, that I am who they want and fulfill their broadest desires. And that i wont bore them. that i wont be rendered redundant and pushed to the "he will always be around, he is my saftey net" catagorry.

so the age old questions also present themselves.
how do you fight jealousy? how do you accept it, eventhough you feel some legitimacy to it. a real hurt.
and on the other side, how do you prevent creating jelousy, eventhough you want to spread your good love to multiple people?


how do you stop from fading into the background? how do you assure yourself that you matter to people even if it is merely a dormant matterance?
how do you prevent people reducing you to redundancy by the introduction of new and more exciting people?

how do you deal with it all?

if you have an answer let me know.

its always fun here but you might prefer to find me on
http://helioscope.wordpress.com/

cheers.

we assume... or rather, I assume like rocks hurling through space that it's ok, were all in it together. We are all born into this life, we are all taught by our parents, our instincts and our sensory interaction with the real world. We all grow up and develop different personalities that pick things and take off things from our "environment" as we walk and talk through life. (We learn far more than we can even think we learn and can't come to grips with in our limited vision of the world). All of a sudden, we become an opinionated, core-personalitied, self-sufficient, physically and emotionally attractable human being. We are all composed of the same matter and constructed in a similiar fashion, yet our uniqueness remains vital and for that reason eventhough we are all the same, we are all different. while we are together we are all alone.

we are all rocks hurling through space. and i always think that "im with all the other rocks going in the same direction" but every once in a while im reminded of the cold fact that no... not at all, we are all going different places and everyone is unique and concerned with themselves. we are all on our own paths, which may cross with others (sometimes connect and partner with others) but the journey is still our own unique one. often i forget that, or rather find it hard to accept. i like the concept of share, in fact i feel unfulfilled when i cant share sometimes. although some experiences are also great alone (music, movies, books).

but ofcourse im not such a cold pessimist. i do believe some rocks, if not all, are destined to attatch to eachother and form a planet (create life?) that all space dust will amount to something and will find a home. it doesnt just dissapear (i really want someone to find that when things go through a blackhole they come out somewhere else, mario style)

but even though i believe all these things. its that once in a while reminder that things are not what they seem, reality is not what your mind makes you expect. creating false expectations. And when that gap is discovered, that you thought you found a companion but now its strayed off and become something completely different. Or when you subconsciously compose a role for someone to play and reality they do not play to that part, instead of accepting them as is for who they are. that can also be very discouraging. but when it happens, its a very confusing shock to the system. oh wait but i was so sure that, that was my destiny, that was who i was going to partner up with/thats how my life was going to be and now all of a sudden its not there and i am left with nothing but emptiness? but rejection and distance?

but hey as prashanth says, god isn't a dick. he's not going to have a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing, each piece shall have its place. but of course he is god (if he is god at all) and the puzzle is a 4 d puzzle, in dimensions of space and time. things may not fit now but they might fit later and things might have fit before but fall out of fitting all together. who knows.

BUT there is hope for things are not all predetermined. We are flexible, bendy and able to be kind and compassionate when we are compelled to. certain people bring out the good in us, the good which we didnt even know existed. thats the kind of people worth being a part of.

this post is total stream of consciousness.

If someone wrote a biography of my life what would be like? no... more specifically,
if someone would write a biography of me in the future what will it read like?
will it cleverly find a way to link all my actions and experiences i've had so far to explain how I am the way I am and the reasons I have made the decisions i have made?
will it manage to explain through a trace of interpretative history how my life's experiences were translated into my life actions? the "path" that i took to my own personal relative success?

after all thats how you judge a successful life right? a productive life. One in which all experiences contributed to a full sense of being and a powerful sense of action. The goals you set for yourself, based on personal preferences shaped by experiences - problems you see in the world and the way you address them; things you believe in and the way you adhere to them. success is relative, so only you can judge your own success. that is not to say that "everyone is successful". there are goals and meters that we each put out for ourselves and only we can score them. Yeah sure we can lie and make excuses for not meeting them but inside we will know we are letting ourselves down. Ok maybe its not just ourselves, there are plenty of egomaniacs who in their eyes feel extremely successful eventhough they leave a blazing trail of pain and destruction wherever they tread. But the idea is not to let ourselves down, we answer to our honest true self.

{although who at the end of their life is really going to admit they wasted all 85 years of living?, i guess not but then Magnolia like regret has to come into play. Do regret some missed opportunities on your death bed? is there anything you wouldve done differently?}

An unproductive, wasted life.

that would read as a sad biography. he had all this stuff, he had all these experiences but it all amounted to nothing. he got lost and confused between his own heart's optimistic dreams, his parents ideals and the laziness that won the battle over his soul because he lacked external compulsion.

MY BIOGRAPHY WILL NOT READ LIKE THAT.
i will make that deceleration/dedication/decision/determination now.

I will have a productive life! I will find a way to use what I have, the people I have around me and my inner ability to do. My biography will in Lost-like beauty bring together all of my past experiences (my flash backs) to explain who I am, what I am about and what I have come here to do, and how I have done it.

Now that would be a good read.

press play and then read.



if i had to declare my mission it would be
to set the others free,
free from the vice that holds them tight
into spiral living that they cannot see,
rotating around the tree
as you can see im not one to rhyme
my mind doesnt function on time

but i feel a burn inside of me, when i stand on the side lines and see: people driving straight, in the mind going places, getting somewhere. but when you zoom out they driving in a great big loop, going nowhere fast.

and people use this knowledge, give a man some bread every month for him and his family, he will do what you tell him to do.

the manipulation of the abstract goal. ambition. curve the ambition to meet someone elses goal.
then you say... well so what? its a means to an end. the people working win and the people at the top win.

but what about the people who are indirectly affected by this machine? this machine whose parts dont know what the control tower is doing.

little pixels minding their own business. loving their families, providing for their lovers, doing what they can to improve their lives, educate their children, move to more comfortable areas, better life styles, climb up that social ladder.

yet you zoom out and the million individual pixels make up hitlers face.
if i was an artist i would depict this some day.


a million rights directed askew can make a massive fucking wrong

what then?
what do you do?
do the means justify the ends?

sensible decisions built on top of eachother to create one massive monsterous fuck up. does that really go justified?

well then... they say: what about all the lives that were improved. and how can you blame them.
how can you blame officers acting on orders with no concept of what the big picture looked like?

in the days before the gps, we drive straight on a road that incrementally circumnavigates over time.
what then.
what purpose can there be.

oiling the engines, greasing the wheels.
theres got to be a better way though. a way to direct this powerful faction for good, for productive society. a control tower with a deeper vision and those who work in parts understand are transparent to the end goal. manipulation is unnecessary because everyone believes in the goal being acheived. so they earn money AND they are powering a socially productive machine. instead of a manipulated little bastard. a million people getting up at 6am, crawling into a tower to be there for 12 hours so that I can get my 99 cent McMuffin that is 70% fake and 100% ill-nutritious.

well then others say: you can only say this because you are privileged, others do not have a choice, they have to earn a living, feed their families, educate their children.
you have a choice. and then i say well, Ya i have a choice so i wish to choose wisely. i wish to choose so that i can give others more choice. those who are stuck in society because of who they are, what they were born as. even their social marginalization.
more choice for those rejected for their gender
more choice for those who are forced into marriage/obligations/roles based on traditional customs
more choice for those who flee from war and famine, only to be beaten with a heavy stick and thrown back in the sea
more choice for those who find no option but the life of a gangster, a religious radical, a suicidal massacre-ist, a financial economic home wrecker, a sex trader.

what will mcdonalds do for these people?

they say the sex trade is as ancient as human and will exist as long as human exists. after all
a sad but biological and socially accurate fact. it still disguists me to my total core.

they also say: you kill a weed, 10 more will grow somewhere else.
then i stand there in silence, with not much of a response.

there is no reply really, just that burning desire inside to prove that fact wrong. Maybe like jacob.

then of course there is that other itching final nauseous thought that always gets me, that always prevents me from posting on here:

what do i know?

all this talk about how others dont see other peoples perspectives, yet here i am a hippo - guilty of the same thing.
is my free the same as their free? it certainly wasnt for bush.
but you cant deny human rights.

you CAN NOT DENY THE GOLDEN RULE. that is why it is golden. im glad obama referred to it in his recent mid-east speech.
a nice wikipedia research brings out this beautiful contents list:

The Golden Rule
Contents

* 1 Ancient Greek philosophy
* 2 Religion and philosophy
o 2.1 Global ethic
o 2.2 Buddhism
o 2.3 Baha'i Faith
o 2.4 Christianity
o 2.5 Confucianism
o 2.6 Hinduism
o 2.7 Islam
o 2.8 Jainism
o 2.9 Judaism
o 2.10 Sikhism
o 2.11 Taoism

tell me thats not beautiful. tell me thats not human. as ancient as the human and will be true as long as the human exists. even when machines take over i am sure their fundamentals will be built on a similar system. a code. perhaps a better code that cannot be broken. broken everyday, because distances exist, or are created.
us and them. when in the end the truth is that its just we and us.


and then my friend says
to each his own.
and i reply
to each his own indeed, im surprised that we arn't born with that tattood on our ass. we probably should be. but the golden rule is golden and we should be reminded of it upon each breath. each shared breath of air

its funny, ive been doing work at UCL the last few days. I think i've gotten so used to the diversity at SOAS i was a bit weirded out by the normalcy or typical demographic of UCL. or at least thats how it seemed.

5 or 6 years ago i was struggling to figure out why I am the way I am when my parents are so different. I couldn't figure out how or why I had such different perspectives on life. Such different values and priorities on what matters and what doesn't really matter. My dad seemed to be the opportunistic social-status chasing full throttle capitalist type of person while my mom was overhyper pretentious superficial fashion, "How do we look", what do others constantly think conscious.

It seems however as I grow, or as I spend more time with them with my own more developed mind, I am able to understand them, and their ways at a much deeper level. I can see my mothers flame hearted emotionally charged good intentions and even my dad's soft hearted, human-understanding point of view.

One of the greatest pleasures about living at home for the last year or so is exploring the truth that lies behind each's Performance Exterior. Late night post-dinner conversations with my dad where we sit in the dark venturing into realms of the political, economical, psychological, sociological, philosophical parts of human existence- reminds me that perhaps we do ultimately share a similar approach to life and a way of thinking that I never picked up on those several years ago. We even start by presenting different angles to a situation but through discussion settle on a common equally calibrated position on the subject. It really is quite exciting and leaves me in quite a buzz. A buzz i have always been addicted to when I can do it with people I am close to. Who knew that was something that would happen at home?

Evolving relationships are the most exciting kinds. People are never what you expect, in the end we all have minds, thoughts, wishes, dreams, hopes, hang-ups, self-inflicted weaknesses (those not real weaknesses but just exist in our heads) and issues as we go through reality.

Just like we both agreed on tonight, it is about how you deal with these, how you manage them - to not let them bring you down or stop you from moving forward. You have to put them in their place and keep walking even with scars, they will heal better the more you keep moving, the more you keep going. After all, that is what we are here for. Here to do something, to make a difference, to live our lives and to help others live theirs too.

Everyone is good and no one is bad, even those who are terrible have some goodness, some purity that actually went astray in a very logical and understandable manner. That doesn't necessarily excuse some horrifying actions, but they are not far from our own, they are only spawned out of some sort of negative reactivity or tempting irrefutable opportunity (greed to help your family? to help yourself live a better life than you might have suffered?). And because of this they can be understood and they can be diffused. I strongly believe this, we are one in the same and people are not always who they seem to be. There is always so much more behind what they present to you, and its our job to figure it out and see how they interpret life differently and figure out a more productive middle way.

LOST anyone? isn't this exactly what its all about?
even lil benny linny is a good guy who was beaten and alienated from his father and by association Dharma. crazy shit.

Either way I am grateful to have the parents I have and to inevitably share more with them than my rebellious Rage Against The Machine listening teenage self would admit.

wow, where to even to begin with this post.

well as you might have noticed there has been a sincere lack of output on this page.

One of the main reasons is that i have been scared to. Or rather, unsure to post. Because you see my mind has taken a different turning since i started at Soas in september, unlike bentley i find myself a lot more emotionally and psychologically involved in what i am studying, passionate about what I am learning.

Of course like anything there are somethings that are dull and somethings that pull me in. Specifically the theoretical and scientific aspects i find way too synthetic, Policies devised in laboratories that shatter once taken outside of that airtight chamber. The other thing that just gets ridiculous after a while is the political battle within ACADEMIA. People with conservative, western mindset say one thing while people on the radical, liberal, ground level say something opposite. And its not just different perspectives, i can deal with that, but its the spending so much time and effort tearing the other side's arguements down that they forget to keep focus on the real issues at hand. In typical human style a battle of ego ensues above initial purpose or objectivity. Instead of figuring out how to extinguish poverty (a goal that neither disputes) they'd rather prove who one is more right than the other, and always has been.

i guess parents do the same thing when they are figuring out how to raise a kid, well damn it stop arguing and pay attention to him and his needs first.

Besides this though, the realistic, historically applicable stuff is what really gets me invigorated. When we spend time looking at india, it's history since independence (and often looking a bit at colonization) we can begin to understand why it is the way it is now. Which is amazing because until recently I always looked at india with this queasiness in my stomach and a head full of WHY?? and also just plain confusion because nothing seems to work there. Well while learning about it hasn't completely unraveled all the mysteries or presented any solutions, it has made somethings a bit clear.

One of our teachers is amazing and luckily I have him for 3 different classes. He really makes an effort to combine political power distribution with economic policy, so appropriately tieing that knot between them to understand why people would do such seemingly weird things? Sadly, too often In the end it always breaks down to people's immediate incomes, where will they get assured money from, and who will protect their income streams - thats who they will vote for. Nothing to do with moral values or "where they stand" on issues. All of that is usually just a tool to get those extra followers, but most people end up supporting those who will look out for their interests. That even includes the politicians themselves who make deals with businessmen, and/or who make deals with other politicians so that the businessman can get what they want. The professor has helped me see that bribery and corruption is not just this "dirty bad thing" but more a necessary means to survival. Which makes me very sad. People have to do whatever it takes to ensure that they can raise a good family. of course this usually gets out of hand, they want to raise a good family, drink liquor, drive sweet cars and date multiple women (talk about expensive!) (oh...or multiple men for you girl-power people)

So we look at what has gone on at various stages in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. We look at what is going on now in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh and things are pulled a part and put back together like an impossible puzzle. But it seems that everyone has a different approach to doing the puzzle. Maybe im brainwashed but it seems that my professor has some pretty awesome and creative (read: alternative) ideas on how things really work below the surface. Once you can figure it out, that doesn't mean you know where to go from here, you know possible ideas of where to go from here but then getting it implimented and most importantly, convincing people who are capable of Doing it, to actually try it is just unthinkable. Yet my professor powers on.

Me on the other hand, while I am enjoying this bubble bath of knowledge, soaking up as much as I can, will probably try and get down to something more real. I hope to at least. However what real "is", is totally uncertain. Ask those ancient greek dudes. But, this is something I will have to figure out soon.

Anyway going back to the begining, writing something here has intimidated me for a while. My mind has evolved and moved into more detailed, yet new and less confident, pastures. I wasn't sure how to take this along with me. Here it seems I normally write about people and situations (usually drunken party observations) so how could i suddenly flip the switch and go hardcore political, serious and uncertain of myself.

but then i realize in the end, this thing is my mind. And so it should evolve as my thoughts evolve, it's never meant to be confident or publish-ready, its mind ramblings put down on a pad. And Stupid people like you waste your time reading it. So fuck it. I'm going to keep trying to write what comes to mind. It might get more serious, it might get more detailed (less accessible) but i figure since im getting smarter, no reason people who might have read my late night broken hearted bentley monologues, won't want to read it. so yea...


In other news I feel the world is really becoming more and more plugged in. This twitter craze is getting out of hand, facebook was lost long ago, blogs, blip, music (you guys checked out this Spotify thing yet?)

the anthropology of youtube tries to put all things in perspective. But even among friends more people are throwing out blogs. More people are sending interesting links around, organizing and coming together on issues. Social Network literally is a community. I feel closer to some of the people I share my online life with than with some people I live around. its freaky.



Some New Ventures:

Britt, Adam and Rohan music blog
Underground Airline

Prashanth and Rohan movie blog
Transatlantic Telegraph

i'm sure more will come out.
i thought of starting a proper serious blog somewhere else but like i mentioned before I think ill keep things here until i maybe formulate some solid world changing ideas.

peace and love.

<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068646/"><img alt="" src="http://www.atnzone.com/nz/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/theclass_l200811131511.jpg" class="alignleft" width="261" height="385" /></a>
so i just got back from seeing "The Class" which is a crappy translation of the original title Entre Les Murs [Between The Walls] a simple little film that struck me in all the right places. It is a briliant illustration of how sometimes what a film needs most is a whole lot of nothing. No gigantic plot hooks, crazy twists, over complicated drama, feel good moments. Sometimes you need a bit of pure and simple realism.

This movie seems to deliver that. When i saw the trailers i was like, oh god, its another "cool teacher helps troubled kids" movie. But it wasn't. Leave it to the French to take out over dramatic Michelle Pfeiffer  and put in some simple humility that makes the whole experience so much more enjoyable. Perhaps the honesty and sincerity is driven by the fact that the person who wrote the book -&gt; wrote the script and -&gt; acted as the main character in the movie.

And it's not even about him, its about so many things on so many levels yet its about nothing more than everyday life.

Its a really straight forward story following a teacher and his realistically multi-ethnic, multi-personalitied class, through ups and downs of every day normal school life. And even about the issues, i lightly touches on the surface but doesn't dwell on them or dig this whole story around their troubles. Everyone has their thing and everyone has to deal with it in their own way. We find out a little about everyone but never enough to completely understand what is goin in their head. And thats the way it should be, another place where hollywood takes us too intricately to the root and source of problems, which we can never really do in real life. Other people's problems are complex and we can never understand them unless we were born as them.

Beyond the class room it also looks at the institution of this public french school: staff meetings, watercooler moments and the clash of teachers with different teaching styles / perspectives. The most interesting part of this film is that it makes no judgment, it takes no side it just lets you watch everything for what it is. Just like real life.

It watched like a documentary without having the pressure of being a documentary (no quirky narration, dramatic interviews or concise analytical thesis) It was basically as if a camera man went into any average class room and just recorded.

I definitely think we need more honest films like this. Again to show us what we often forget, how interesting human society is, how interesting people are, through all their darkness and happiness, through their natural issues, cause and effect of personalities. In the end it's really hard not to just fall in love with all the kids. I can imagine how teachers can do that. This film is so real it's tangible. you can get so involved and feel like you understand these characters and people so well without really needing to know them at all. Just observing from the side.


Between this, I've Loved you so long and Persepolis, even in recent times the french keep winning me over. I should keep my eye out on what they are doing more often.



p.s for more movie stuff from me like this
pop over to:
transatlantictelegraph.wordpress.com/

**reader beware this is not a fun-light hearted post**

what is going on in india?
http://ibnlive.in.com/news/saffron-brigade-cops-play-spoilsport-on-vday/85340-3-single.html

video report of the jind incident:
(featuring a cop throwing around a girl by the hair who was caught with a male friend in her house)

http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/video/video.aspx?id=55774



and not even to begin to mention the incident in Mangalore last week that drove a 15 year old girl to commit suicide because she couldn't deal with the "shame". Once again an incident caused by "moral police" who attacked girls who because they were in a pub and it was seen as misbehaving. i don't even know how to begin to untangle that.




So why are girls continuously badly abused all around India?
why is it socially accepted and often defended as deserved? It has become as much an accepted part of our culture as bribery and corruption. People, encouraged by politicians, get together and go around being "Moral Police" beating up girls for behaving against "accepted culture". There are also many who do not necessarily participate in the moral police but welcome their existence into their society. Of course the essential flaw in moral policing is who decides what is immoral. how do they they measure or go about "policing it". Well in typical style these questions get thrown out of the window and mob mentality takes over.

I guess fundamentalism exists everywhere. While current focus might be on muslim fundamentalism, we know in our own hearts that "tolerant open minded hindus" can be just as fundamental. Just as violent and merciless. Hardcore christians in the united states are equally extreme. A dutch fundamentalist right wing politician came to england last week to try and show a film he made depicting the grand muslim conspiracy against The West.

So sure it exists all over the globe but why is it so deeply and widely rooted in Indian culture?

What seems to make the Indian case so different is that it is subtle and at a ground level. It is ingrained among families, villages and communities' psychologies. These are distortions of values that might once have been based on some sound logic, but that has faded away with too much brainwash as it is passed from generation to generation. One of the most interesting institutions in India is the social pressure mechanism that I guess was created to keep morals. Keep people from stealing, keep people honest and accountable within their community. Some might even say arranged marriages were kept within the community so that social pressure could monitor a happy and honest marriage. Neither party could cheat because everyone knew everyone and no one risked being shunned. Unfortunately it all lost importance and logical reasons give way to dogmatic mantra, a set of rules that become codifiable and taught from parents to kids. I guess it is not dissimilar to what has happened to many other religions and cultural traditions. Unfortunately this dogma goes beyond forcing your children to go to church every Sunday whether they believe in God or not; it actually creates a brutally demoralizing and aggressive society. One filled with jealousy and tattletaling hawkishness. Unhealthily obsessed with status and what others might think of them. It victimizes innocent kids as they are also players in this game. The ill treatment of girls is so psychologically ingrained in people's understanding of reality it has become acceptable. Aunties prying in peoples business to catch someone out. A competitive game where you keep your scandalous affairs cloaked while you attempt to expose other people's. It is a shocking reality and it is nothing new, it has existed for centuries which is why it feels so irreversible.

But how can it possibly be ok for a social system to exist where girls that break outdated social codes should be treated badly- beaten up or worse, raped? They should be ostracized, made to feel shame to the point they commit suicide. I'm sorry if this is obvious to you all, it is just a very new thing for me. I only learnt about sex selective abortions, feticide, missing girls (especially in punjab) recently. I only learnt about the forced aspects of Sati recently. I've only been aware of the abundance of police cases of rape recently.

What makes it much more dangerous is that it is so subtle. It isn't females covered up, it isn't people being caught on tape doing bribes, it isn't child sweatshops. It isn't religious violence. It isn't females being paid lower wages or not given the right to vote. It isn't the obvious segregation of male and females in societies. It is quiet, within households and communities. It is unobvious and untold.

And this new phenomenon of moral police. How is it legally justified or worse politically encouraged? Is there a way out of this mess. Doesn't anyone see how absurd it is. Corruption is one thing but this is so subtle and yet so destructive as it traumatizes generation after generation into feeling worthless and unwanted.

And then people say oh "slumdog millionaire portrayed the dark side of India that is not representative of the true vibrant nature of economic booming India". Well... perhaps it was not dark enough, perhaps Danny Boyle should go back and point his cameras at this psychological phenomenon where parents, uncles and aunts make their daughters feel marginalized.

how much of culture (and the evolution of) is planned and thought out?
traditions, roles of the various players, balance of order and sense (through instruments like social guilt and pressures to conform), focus on togetherness or individualism, institutions like marriage, church and family (leave the house when you are 18 or extended)

like a loose constitution of cultural "principles" amended over the years;
planned and organized as society development in order to fix things that were faulty, an effort to create a workable structure rather than open free market interaction chaos.


And how much is just spontaneous development, random habits with no rhym or reason that just stuck?

(i guess at some point it melts too, things that might have been intended became random habits and random habits can be read into as planned and organized.)


another thought...
does the language of a country shape the culture?
mediteranian languages tend to be more expressive, emotional; cold-european tend to be short abrupt cold and descriptive.



its also interesting as we uncover the role of finance in my class we see that culture (as well ofcourse as politics) has a lot of influence on the way finance works.

so does this planned vs free market debate.
one size doesnt fit all, planning doesn't work. governments fucked up and proved that we should do free market. now free market is fucked up, we cant let everyone run wild and do what they want, we cant let endangered animals go extinct because a powerful people like to poach...

now what?

so much to say
but where is the time
and where is the topic

too many topics to choose from. education is just a room with too many doors... to many ways to explore... i shall bring out some concrete stuff soon.

something ive thought about time and time again.
here is a sweet example

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_CD0JETuihEE/SRitMQdRsDI/AAAAAAAAD3M/Nw5TuVeywQQ/s1600-h/neuron-galaxy.jpg

short thoughts
i heard someone on tv talk raise the question. those in the captain's seats during the game are cool when profits to funnel into their private pockets, but when things go bad society is called upon to pay the bill. sure society has benefited but no way near as those bigboys, and they get to walk away without much of a scratch. well maybe a bit of public humility for 10 seconds on a news feed.

i mean of course theres been bottomless discourse over the last few weeks on the topic of whether or not "we should bail the banks out". In my mind its more, we dont have a choice right now, we have to plug the earth where the earthquake cracked the ground else the entire foundations will shatter and we will be in a very dark and scary place.

i hope all the top economists of the world get invited to the conference that will soon be held by the world's leaders in Breton-Woods fashion. In fact, i hope everyone is well represented there. Big and Small, poor and non-poor earthlings alike. and i hope that they came out with some banging ideas that will rock our world and spin us in a different direction, taking us a new positively evolutionary. hopefully be able to check their political policies at the door and jump in as neutral level headed guys with phds taking on a difficult task. its a long shot. but if those LHC physicists can do it we can too right? isnt economics/finance supposed to be more trendy than physics these days?

theres a lot of talk and a lot of opinions and i know im a mere an ant with a cowardly voice, i dont know my shit in and out so i can back up what i say. However, it seems that the biggest issue is the structure of responsibility. How do we make it so those taking on a Risk for a higher reward ACTUALLY pay for it. Finance has gotten to this crazy clever point of diversifying risk till u cancel it all out of a portfolio. Nice guys but i dont think you can do that for free. people have been doing it for free and thus making money for free at no cost and at no risk. yet what seems to have happened (again speculation with limited simplistic knowledge of finance) is that the risk simply got pushed onto someone else. on to people who arnt ready for it, arnt able to deal with it. Either those suckers who defaulted on their overwhelmingly deep loans or ultimately the task payer who has to deal with cleaning this mess up. ceo gets fired and still chills out in his mansion. Or even the many analysts sit on their big 401ks and bonuses they got pilled under their pillow.

so how do we remodel responsibility? make it more heavy weight so theres NO incentive to fuck it up, cuz if you do u basically die. i mean thats the principle right High Risk / High Return. Well if you want to make a few million in this fashion it should be able to wipe millions of YOU right?

ok rohan but thats harsh and unfair and socialistic... investment drives growth and drives projects and businesses, this risky money is why economies in general are doing well. If you kill the incentive to invest in these highly risky issues then u will kill a lot of projects.

SO? shouldnt that be better. Im not saying make it so that you never want to invest, you just dont want to invest in the super risky items. Which is probably a good thing because if its super risky that must mean its supper iffy. medium risk > better quality investment > better likely hood of success right? risk is simply the probability of success. A high risk investment is one that is likely to do badly. If we manage this in a way where we are only going to invest in something we are Sure will do well, or will cause us to be more rigorous on who we invest with, what we invest in. See the balance sheets, hear the proposals. It seems in the last few years the market has been so hot u gotta throw money more or less blindly in risky things cuz u make a killing. invest in russia, invest in the SINdex or in all of these dirty assets that have been the source of the mess we currently sit in.

lets kill the incentive to invest in Enrons and instead cause people to actually think about what is worth investing such as the Co-operative Bank and many other socially responsible ethical banks and socially responsible (socially profiting) businesses. its a good start i think...

rohan you are such an idealist. it wont really work as smoothly as you think. there are bad investors just like there are cancer cells in human bodies, just like there are viruses spread among people, just like murders and rapists on streets, just like there are terrorists inside nations, just like there are wars among nations, just like there is evil in the atmosphere tearing up our planet's skin, just like there are black holes that suck up life and light.

theres also the issue of a million smartasses with different opinions and opposing solutions. Its all politics. thats the most central thing ive been learning here. Development Economics has hope, has ideas has plans to reach goals, but it all stops at the politicians door. They never get through that system, whether its the UN or the World Bank or a countries own government. Yo Rob Mugab, how about some free health care for everyone?... please?


theres hope. there is undying hope, even if someone extinguishes it one person, it ill light up in someone else. hope that humans can Live life as we were born to.

maybe global warming is a good thing. if after 5000 years we cant figure out how to use what was given to us, how to sustain life then maybe its time we make room for another attempt somewhere else.

however as long as im alive i shall hold on to hope. and see good in people because theres always some somewhere, even if its locked up within an old child who was mal-respected.

short my ass...

I'm really enjoying SOAS
its a really refreshing change from my previous education experience. for one everyone who is there is there because they want to be students & teachers. it makes a big difference in enthusiasm and dedicated culture.

i also like the style of education: modern, innovative, forward thinking in ways that they are not scared to criticize the conventional and mainstream, to find better alternatives. i spent the first few lessons learning about the holes in all of what i had learned so far. sensibly so, they were based on idealistic models, vacume senarios. which is unrealistic. we are human and we are faulty and our markets are constantly inefficient and laws of nature are unjust.

i have a lot more to say but is late and i want to sleep
so i wanted to once again make myself some dedications, some goals.

i want to focus on, transparency and education. i dont know exactly what that means or how that will come about but i do know (before knowing anything) they are the root of good things. If we can make things more transparent: government activities, businesses, market activities, human behavior, it will make things so much more efficient and better. If we knew what everyone was upto instead of game-theorizing in our heads, what are they doing behind the scenes, what should i do behind the scenes, we could get a lot more done. a lot more honestly and fairly. end corruption and "hanky panky". it works in relationships right? why not in BIG relationships?

also education. there must be a way to reconfigure education to be a good thing. i mean fuck, it IS a good thing for society. good education eradicates fundamentalist philosophies, close-mindedness, prejudice, immigrant alienation, violence and gang culture, fear and gives people better opportunities, which eventually leads to a better society. better doctors, more scientists, more smarter governments, more clever investments.

again idealistic but there must be a way to make education cool. to make it investment worthy so that money can be spent on it and so knowledge can be grown and spread widely. we cant hate eachother if we can understand eachother and eachother's reasons for eachothers actions. and in certain cases when hate is justified, well then it is plain and clear by all.

its funny, these concepts are mostly stimulated by GOOD magazine: www.good.is

the summer is ending.
well... has ended. it's the 30th of August and I'm leaving france to go back to London.

i've had an amazing summer, truely honestly and soo lucky to be able to have one. through my sulkiness i must also admit to myself, its not one i should have had. a stolen summer from the devils of the working machine. but its been the best summer yet. amazing traveling with my friend david, he FINALLY came to europe. A monumental mexx family reunion packed full of parties one only imagines celebrities in california can have. a visit back to the states that got me smiling more than i have in a long time at the beautiful days and good music as i walked around boston between meeting everyone i love. (remembering why i am such an optimistic person and why i love life) followed by a quick return to france to fresh air, food, earth, green and family.

Alas now i must retire back to london. 1st of september. the start of a new year, a new fall. Next monday i start my post-grad school. thats a whole nother deal for me i have no idea wat to expect, except a lot of work that im not prepared for.

so there you have it, another august closed and another september poised for a start.


I think i will forever count life in school years, i can't imagine doing it any other way. Predictably Beautiful Summer's long days slow down, weather destabilizes (it can't last, this equilibrium), winds change and declare a new direction. a new start, a new beginning with much more unknown left to come.

also this way the year starts good, goes through shit and ends up good on the other end. which i think is fairly representative on many levels.

ah yes, my sulkiness should die out soon as the crispy fresh breeze should brush against my cheeks and poke at my eyes, waking me up to look out for new and exciting changes.

in the north eastern corner of the united states between august 9th and 26th i saw:

britt melewski
krissy sadler
diya sukh
bijal patel
annie melewski
amanda paradis
adam sternberg
kate cain
courtney hadley
carly sternberg
phillip paradis
merry conant
allye press
kalah williams
jason desmond
leslie mcternan
conor depalma
yiannis emmanouilidis
jason bladachino
melissa mortensen
james schortemeyer
phil montville
echo kirk
jeff greene
kristen dowling
mark downey
MARLEY CAT
joe glynn
nate buckley
christina de salvo
jessica negrini
bianca negrini
andrew berry
katie brower
bill caruso
bethany fiocchi
ryan mcclellan
stacey binieris
john connolly
mike ferini
alycia barney
david piaseci
kathleen lynch
lauren dunn
jessica bethany
christopher beaudoin
christopher meyfarth
prachi shah
sita mehta
prashanth gubbala
christopher valois
sarah walsh


places i visited:

redbank, nj
manhattan, ny
manchester, nh
random lake town, nh
portsmouth, nh
boston, ma
waltham, ma
needham, ma
plymouth, ma
block island, ri




kind of crazy kind of awesome trip out there. really good being back. i felt like I re-found the me who i like, away from parents and some of these distractions. i do love boston, maybe one day ill move there but at the moment im ready to start something new here. so happy to see everyone tho it totally rejuvinated my love for all and my spirit. it reminded me what good friends, that you make by choice, are all about and what good people are. thanks to everyone.

feeling beaten by a wave.
while a current is pulling me out, my attempts to get out are defeated by each crash against my body.
flung back into the sand i lie coughing up saline water trying to gather myself again.

i wonder whether i'm being tricked by the moons gravity. Am i really doing the right thing? am i fighting the right battle? should i be at a different beach? a different coast line?

yea fine. everyone tells me maybe try public pools first, take a dive, swim and enjoy the guaranteed loose fun water, without tendering the depth of an ocean. flighty clear-colored fun. forget the corals, forget the fish and other creatures, they arn't always as important.

but that tide, it pulls me in deeper and deeper. it feeds my fascination.

so i get up and try again. how much longer can this last? when will i give up?

in rational thought i should go away and try again another day, but i'm here now and the tide beckons me here and now. walking away from this salty seduction is tedious at the least.


i dont know why i feel so defeated. after all words are just words, waves are just waves. they come and go they tease and play. they exist temporarily as if in a fit of fury or rage, as if thought up in a conversation and soon forgoten there-after. meaningless/harmless in begining and end. why then do they bug me so in the middle? why do i feel so betrayed by them? affected by them?

bah wat the hell. i dont like these troublesome momentary woes, specially when they distract me from a much needed sleep.



------ moment passes ---------

fuck
i gotta get up and walk away
i know thats the thing to do
its the only thing to do. maybe i can come back another day, maybe i wont who knows where i go.
im leaving for the US tomorrow, coming back to a new life maybe things will make more sense.
this year has been great, but maybe my experimentation ends here.

to me at times there is nothing more satisfying than being in the middle of a table around which EVERYONE is having a good time, mingling, laughing and enjoying eachothers company. Especially when they normally would never talk or associate with eachother and i make that happen.
no money or status or anything could be bigger than that.

this is the level of satisfaction i have been reaching this week. loving everyone from small to big, from perfect to completely flawed, everyone getting along and finding their place in this messy fabric. so good and so fun.

life is quite nice sometimes, even the shit parts. specially the shit parts that are bendable, changeable, adaptable, teachable...